Patsy At The Altar and The Lord God Ego

Scene One

How am I doing, Lord? Whadda ya think?

Oh, Patsy, I'm surprised you ask?

What do you mean. Lord?

I mean...look in just this past week, what have you done? You're still wasting your time. You're still acting the fool. You're head is still between your legs. You're still a mess. You’re just not cutting it, Patsy.

Well, sure, Lord, but I'm working on all of these things. I've got a lot to do. I want to change, I am trying to change. I'm going full tilt!

Want to, trying to, what’s that? That’s nothing. Do! Do, you slow moron. Do the things you say you want. Want? What’s that? Doing is money. There IS nothing else. Now go away, come back with some money. Bring me back something to be proud of.

But how, Lord? How can I Do it? Tell me!

Tell you! How can I tell you. You do it! You just do it! Oh, Patsy please, you’re pressing on my day.

Come on lord, can’t you cut me some slack, I need a little help.

Help! You don’t need help. You need to start over, Jack. You need to cut your mental wrists, drain out that pollution. Now hear me, because I’m not going to tell you again: The Way You Do It Is To Do It! Is that clear enough? Do you want me to do a pantomime? What is it with you, Patsy? Don’t you want me to be happy? Tell me the truth. Do you want me to be happy, or what?

Ok, Ok, don’t get excited, Lord. Calm down. Of course I want you to be happy I’m truly sorry. I’ll start again.

Yeah, you do that.

Thanks for your help Lord. It's... it’s nice to have a friend.

Don’t mumble Patsy, just do it.

Scene Two

So there you are. Where you been, big guy?

Hey Lord, I've just come from a fine time with Rita. What a sweetheart.

Hmmm...

Wha...? What's the matter?

Listen, I don't want to press on you, Patsy, but you know how I feel about Rita.

No—what are you talking about, Lord? Just how do you feel about Rita?

There's no way to make this sweet, kid, it's just that she's just not good for you.

Not good? Since when?

Don't be dumb, Patsy, what difference, since when? She's just not good for you.

I don't know what you mean, Lord. She's a classy woman. She's intelligent, aware, extremely sensitive, full of fun, and she has helped me over some rough spots these last months; she has this power job and makes tons of money. She can—

Shush Patsy, You're belaboring the point.

Scene Three

Lord! Hey Lord! Look at this! They brought my poem. I sold a poem. I'm published! I'm on my way.

Go away Patsy.

No, I mean it! I sold a poem. It says so right here.

Go away, go away.

But—

So you sold a poem; must weigh as much as a feather. Wow, a poem! Don't forget to take the compost on your way out.

Lord, I'm telling you I sold a poem to the best little magazine in the business. It's well respected, and I'm honored to be chosen. Really!

Ok, ok, so you sold a poem. big deal. I'll believe it when I see it. Tell them to make your name blink, and put it in all caps! Yeah, Yeah, you sold a poem.

Wait! How much did you get for this poem? 500 maybe? Yeah that sounds about right. It must have taken you a couple of hours to write it. Yeah, 250 per is a decent rate. So, what did you get for it? More? Patsy, not less? 400? 350 is the pits, if you did if for less you're mad.

You're not looking so good. Wha—oh, Patsy. You gave the damn poem away. You didn't get anything for this poem, right? Nothing? Shut the door when you leave, Patsy.

No no lord, you got to listen. I'm really hot.

Ho! You're hot are you? What a ninny you are. This is rich. You give your work away, and you can only find one place that will take it. Hey! I'll buy a hundred. No, I'll take two hundred. Look, I'll buy a thousand, you pay me. Oh, go away, you disappointment.

Lord, you’re being unreasonable. I just sold a fine piece to a fine magazine, that’s something Lord, that's something.

Alright, maybe I was a little too harsh. I'm having a bad day. But it doesn't change the situation. You want to write, give me books, thick ones, with dust jackets and a picture of me on the back. Lots of sales. Do those things, make me happy for a change.

Yes, Lord, I'll do that.

Good for you! Listen, Patsy, one more thing. I'd like you to give me an extra hour of your day. We need to talk about my ideas.

Scene Four

Lord I gotta tell you, I'm getting stronger.

Tell me about it, my friend.

Every day I feel less afraid, more buoyant. It's like I'm a different person.

Hmmm...

Wha...?

Well Patsy, I'm certainly for this change and all, and you know I've always been positive in the little talks we do, but you're not thinking of me. You're too much into yourself. We've been together a very long time, and this change, you know, will surely effect our kinship.

No, no, Lord. Not so. You know your worth to me. Your overloaded with work in my case. The less I have to rely on you, the less you'll have to do, and in time you—Oh, oh-o-o. I'm sorry Lord, that was dumb. I didn't mean to hurt you.

Sure Patsy, sure.